Reflections, continued . . . | . . .
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Content Warning: Fear of parent/bad parent(s), Mention of menstrual product, bees (no stinging)
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(Note: This isn't very edited. I'll do all that editing stuff tomorrow if there is time. Have a good one!)
As I've said in "Night Before the Move", I visited some places before we left for the airport. They were places I either hadn't gone to, had only briefly gone to, or wanted to go to by myself.
Previously I talked about my trip to this grocery store that had been in legal limbo for years, that had relatively recently finally been built! But I had also gone to "a sewing shop, an abandoned(?) pool shop, and a park.", and now it's time to expound upon that!
After the grocery store, I went to the sewing shop and then the pool shop. I had first seen the sewing shop on one of my first days of our most recent stint in the u.s. It was right across from a fast food place, after all. I've wanted to go to it ever since.
I like sewing, although I don't do it much. I've always wanted to create my own stuffed animal. Initially I only wanted to sew one, but this was less out of preference and more out of not really being aware of knitting/crocheting. I've since created multiple crocheted animals, and I've knitted a bear. I can say with certainty that this has taken care of most of the "create a stuffed animal" urge.
However! I still want to make one I've sewn. It'll be a lot more challenging for me than knitting/crocheting, given that I'm more practiced at those, and because it'd require quite more measuring than I'm used to if I were to follow a pattern. But challenges can be very fun! Plus, knitted/crocheted animals look very different than something you'd sew together with pre-made fabric, so I want to do both.
Furthermore, I find sewing an incredibly useful skill, since it enables you to mend and modify clothes and other objects, increasing their usefulness and longevity, as well as allowing you more options for personalisation. I intend to practice more once we're in australia.
With all that said, a sewing store appeals to me. It also looked like a local store, which intrigued me.
At first it was a bit hard for me to find the entrance; the way to enter isn't that intuitive. It's on the side of the store, but it doesn't face outward. The side of the store cuts inward a bit on a right angle, and the door is in that cut out space, facing towards the back of the store. So it's not visible from the road or sidewalk. You'd have to walk along the side of the store and look at least a little towards the road to find it.
I did find it with a little effort, which would be given by anyone trying to enter, so the door placement isn't that big an issue.
The shop had lots of sewing machines, which I did not expect, but which immediately made a lot of sense! I've only seen sewing machines appear in second hand shops or occasionally walmart, so it was really cool to see so many together like that! The shop had sewing needles and thread for both machines and hands, and I think it had some measuring instruments? There was some other stuff that I didn't know, but which reminded me of being in a home improvement section of a store. There might've been some bobby pins and tailor's chalk.
I wasn't in there for long, so this may be wildly innacurate, but it seemed like a slow store. Made me think it could be a nice place to work. There was one other person that was present while I was there, and he and the cashier chatted for a while like they knew each other. I am a lonely person, which has lead me to fantasize about either being a regular which leads to a friendship with a cashier, or being the cashier in that situation. So I admit this interaction was very interesting to me. Also, I think cashiers & customers that are clearly friends or at least friendly are cute to witness.
I asked the cashier if they had elastic (I think it was to replace some worn elastic on a bra of mine), and he said no. That sort of thing is left to fabric stores to carry (as well as the actual fabric, of course).
Makes me wonder if there are/were any Proper fabric stores nearby the sewing shop. As far as I could tell there weren't, closest thing was a Michael's. I'm sure there will be fabric and craft stores where we're staying in australia. There was one at least once (it closed down), so maybe it's happened again.
I chatted a bit with the cashier (! yippee, socialisation progress in action!), and I told him about how I was looking around because I had wanted to visit that shop since I had arrived there, and wanted to visit it before we left (so I wasn't actually gonna buy anything, I didn't even have money). He was super nice!
I asked if I could take pictures, and he let me. The shop in general was cool to me, but what especially caught my eye were these colourful vests that were hung up. I think they were demonstrations of what the sewing machines could do. I took pictures of them to give myself an example of vests that I would like, since I would for sure wear them. Also in case they weren't demos, and I could find them online.
We traded goodbyes and I left the shop. It was a very cool visit!
After that, I went to find the pool shop. I want to imagine a world where I go swimming (I can't swim)! And I want to get a swimshirt + trunks so that I can actually go in the water when I go to the beach! So while I wouldn't buy anything, I would like to peruse. (Oh hey, just remembered that the beaches in australia are way warmer. I'd brush up on my jellyfish + riptide safety before I go in, though. Unless it's one of those beaches with the nets in the water to keep out the jellyfish.)
But every time I've gone past that shop (eg, when I'd take the bus to school), it always seemed closed. I could never discern an entrance, either.
So! I set out to find it and finally go inside!
On the way there I ran into some trouble when I walked right past a beehive that'd nestled itself away into a motel sign. Bees everywhere! Very scary! It was almost like some of them followed me when I went past. I was a decent way away! Why are you still buzzing around me!
Nothing happened, I was fine. But it reminded me of when a similar thing happened when I took the city bus to school this one time. A bee hive had suddenly appeared next to a sidewalk! Similarly, nothing happened, but it was scary! Seems there's a tiny bit of a bee problem where I was in the u.s. But I suppose a "bee problem" being them randomly showing up in unwanted places is better than a "bee problem" where bees mysteriously die.
Anyway, I got to the pool shop. The sign was really cracked. I looked through the windows, and I saw pool supplies lining the shelves. It seemed like the lights were on. There was a door at the front, but I quickly dismissed it as an entrance since it was gated up, and had "no entrance" prominently stickered onto it.
So I kept going around the building (except the back, which was inaccessible (fence)), and I couldn't find anything. So I took a closer look at the door, and discovered that it was an entrance, just... closed? But there was a sign on the door that listed the hours of operation, and according to what it said, the store should've been open. I couldn't see anyone inside.
Sidenote, but I really liked how the HoO sign looked. It was underwater themed, I think it had bubbles and a crab and kelp. Awesome. More signs should have fun like that.
I left the store there, and left it as a mystery. I've never seen it open, so I wonder if it's closed down, permanently. But then why are all the supplies in there? 'Cus if it's shut down, it must've been like that for a long time. And why were the lights on? And if it's still in business, then why was it closed like that?
Mysteries upon mysteries. But I like the creepiness such confusion lends to the store. I think it's fitting, since it certainly looks the part of spooky, abandoned store.
Phew! I'm writting this out of order, and let me just tell you: it is cold in this plane, and I am sleepy! Good thing I have my cloak. I could get the blanket I suppose, but I don't know if they dispose of them if you open the bag they're in, or if they'd keep them if you didn't. It seems like it'd be a waste since there's only an hour and 30 minutes left in the flight.
As for the sleepiness... Well at least I had tea! According to my phone it'd be 4:04am in the u.s.!
Hah, maybe sleepiness will push whatever "celebration" is in store once we arrive to be a short one. Let us all tuck in for the night. I heard papi say that something (a reunion, I think, although it could be something else) would/might have to be pushed back because it'd be too late.
Oh. I was gonna say "but it'll only be 7pm when we arrive, which isn't very late, which makes me nervous", but it's actually already 9pm over there. A while ago in "Moving Day (for real this time)", which is being written concurrently to this, I wrote that it was 7 something pm, 'cus it was at the time. I suppose it got stuck in my head as the arrival time. I'm tired.
Anyway, I know papi has work, and I think he has to get ready early (thankfully, I've forgotten a lot about him)? So yeah, it would be late.
Hmm, still. Around 10:40-ish doesn't seem to be late enough. Oh well. There's nothing I can really do to avoid him, it's inevitable that he'll be around again while I'm there at some point. If it's not now, it'd probably be in the morning or something. So it doesn't matter how late or early we get there, we'll meet again inevitably.
ANYWAY. Back to the story! Now we're getting to the park!
So, there's actually a mulberry tree sort of close to where we lived in the u.s. We all like mulberries, we used to have a mulberry tree at one of our old houses, and our paternal grandmother has a mulberry tree as well, with the neighbour's mulberry tree also spilling into her yard! So we got to know how great they were.
Unfortunately, being in the u.s. means that we're short in supply for mulberries.
Fortunately! I discovered a little thing called Falling Fruit, a website that shows you all the edible fruits/foods near you, ripe for the picking! It also has a mobile app (although you certainly do not need it if you use a phone. I use a phone and the site works just fine for me).
Because of Falling Fruit, I learned that there is actually a mulberry tree close to our house! I went there last year, and there were mulberries, but due to... reasons... I could not collect them. On the bright side, I learned that there is a park near there that connects to the park I've been to most often! Due to those reasons, I wasn't able to explore it very much. But it intrigued me since the park seems to almost immediately branch off into trails in the woods!
I didn't exactly remember when mulberries went to fruit in the northern hemisphere, since I had looked it up in 2023, and it was now 2024, but I remembered something about "towards the end of the year". Turns out that was probably me thinking "DON'T try to go towards the end of the year, 'cus fruiting season ends sometime in august!" So, it turned out that there was probably no mulberries. I went to check anyway (after a two week delay after I learned that 'cus of my depression, oof).
Unfortunately, there were no mulberries (although I did get some of the leaves for my sister. They're edible aparrently, I don't know what she did with them). But I did get to go to the park!
I was listening to "Dead Girls Don't Say Sorry" by Alex Ritany via Libby while going to the mulberry tree, overshooting by a large amount, actually going to the mulberry tree, and then while at the park. I like it so far, so I wanted to shout it out.
Anyway, I went to the park. The actual park park visible from the road, with the playgrounds and everything, is small, but cute. I think it makes me nostalgic for the parks I went to when I was little. A lot more people had gone there then was expecting; the last time I was there, there was practically nobody. It seems it is a well-loved park. Lots of kids.
I sat there for a while listening to my book and resting my feet, and then I decided to try going into the foresty place. "Trails" is a bit of an overstatement. You could follow the road (no sidewalks, but wide and infrequently travelled by cars), or go into the trees.
I went into the trees, and oh boy was I scared! I actually didn't manage to go very far, especially since my feet hurt, but it was very fun. It's been ages since there's been trees all around me like that. I saw some cool roly poly bugs. Those bugs are always so cute! <3
It seems like the trees quickly gave way to a field, one which I only took glances of 'cus I saw someone already there (on a bench?) and got scared. Pretty sure the road leads down into it, and that there's a carpark. So, it was most likely another park area. Awesome! I missed parks like that, where there was just extra, almost hidden park areas if you just walked farther.
I wish I coulda seen it. Maybe some other time if/when we/I come back. At the very least, I really liked the time I did spend at that park. I found it very pretty, as well.
So those were the places I visited before we went to australia! Pretty neat, it was a fun experience all around exploring those places before we left.
But speaking of leaving.
Honestly, I'm not sure about the living situation after we get to australia. Mami said something about getting an apartment for herself and Baby, and possibly the second youngest sibling. Then the rest of us would be at our paternal grandmother's house. And somehow our father would not visit us ever. It sounded so stupid. First of all that's HIS MUM'S house, and secondly most of his kids are there?? Why would he stay away???
Seems this is not the plan at all. Apparently there's a house over there, and I know a least my siblings are going there, but probably all of us.
They plan for papi to pick us up at the airport and then treat us to dinner. I'm scared. I'm angry. My mum's a liar, she said he wouldn't be there, and I told her I couldn't trust her, 'cus there'd be no way to force her and him to keep that promise. What proof did she have that she would not allow him there? What proof was there that he'd listen? She said nothing, 'cus there *was* nothing. She had nothing to say 'cus she wasn't being honest at all. Just a bunch of empty words to convince me to go, knowing damn well I wouldn't be able to back out or leave once we started.
I knew she was lying then, but I'm so blisteringly angry that I'm probably right. I can't be *too* angry yet 'cus maybe I misunderstood. Maybe she'd keep her word. It hasn't happened yet. I'd be more angry when it happens, but there's a chance it'll be drowned out by fear. Hopefully those two things will coexist instead of fear drowning out anger. If she actually lies to me I'm gonna be so angry. If not in the moment, then after when I'm not so scared. God damnit.
Did you know that the bus & train fare is really cheap? It wasn't always cheap, but where we're going there was a recent change in policy that'd make it dirt cheap for the entire time that I'd stay there, provided that mami wasn't lying about that, and I actually go back to the u.s. when that time arrives.
So at least there's that. Even if I don't have a free bus pass anymore or anything, it'll be really cheap. So perhaps, if I ever need to leave, even if only for a little while, it won't be too hard to do. This is especially so, since according to my sister, the house is within walking distance of a train station.
I'm thinking I'll need a job. There's too many things I want, particularly testosterone, that would cost me money. I can't make do with this current budget. So if I get any job, I should be able to cover transportation.
I hope I can work in a library. I tried to look for library jobs in the u.s. but the only one I could find required the ability to drive. If that doesn't pan out, then somewhere that doesn't get a lot of foot traffic. I'm aware there aren't really any "good" jobs though.
I told my sister that I'd consider working at a second-hand shop, and I have! But that consideration has led me to thinking it's unlikely. Maybe I'll do one, at least it'd get my sister a discount like she wants.
Did you know that inbetween "Moving Day" (the fake one) and NBtM, the next post after that, I had gone to some swapmeets with my grandparents? They handed me $20 every time we went. After buying stuff I wanted/needed from the swapmeet, saving some of that money, and keeping an extra $20 grandpa gave me when we tried moving last month, I was able to buy some loop earplugs! I'm satisfied with my purchase.
I was planning on going on some more to save more money, since I had bought everything I needed/wanted already so I could put it all towards the savings, but things didn't pan out. What can I say? I'm depressed. Going outside is hard, especially when it has to be with people you don't get along with well.
My second purchase was gonna be a laptop. I figure if I get a cheapo chromebook, then download an alternate OS on it, I can get a laptop with everything I need. Furthermore, I'd try to do everything via my bootable USB, so it'd put even less strain on the laptop. I just need a laptop that wouldn't be too bad to damage in order to figure out what went wrong with the usb.
Afterwards, I'd want to get a menstrual cup, a binder, and one of those earmuffs meant for construction work (not necessarily in that order). Despite having loop earplugs, I find earmuffs more comfortable, and they're more effective. Plus, together, they can make things practically silent (or actually silent to me? It's been a while since I've worn them both at the same time, so I forgot what it was like).
I think those are the most important objects, but there's tons more things that having a job would grant me access to! Like making sure we have a consistent source of food, drinks, and hygiene products. Plus I could make sure we have enough clothes.
Ohh, we're descending now. Not much I can do. The moment's finally upon us. To be honest, I'm scared. But I know I'll live. I've gone through plenty of bad days before and come out the other side. Plenty of really, really bad days too. It'll be okay. It'll soon or eventually be in the past. It's okay.
Through whatever adversity any of you reading may be facing, I wish you strength. Good luck to everyone. See you guys later. <3.